Team Nancy Drew in the Case of Monumental Malfeasance
by Phearmonger
Summary: Mindcrack's Team Nancy Drew reconvenes to investigate the disappearance of Aureylian's new UHC monument statue and uncover much more than they ever expected.
1. Episode 1

Presenting Mindcrack's Team Nancy Drew in:

The Case of Monumental Malfeasance

Episode 1: Banana Shenanigans

In a dark room lit only by the LCD pixels of two forty-inch monitors pressed side by side, Porky leaned over to click on the play button. The video box on his YouTube page blared the song, "You're watching Guude Boulderfist," into his headset. He shook his YooHoo bottle, twisted the lid open, and took a sip. _Mmmmm! Strawberry! _He dropped onto his nice high-backed executive chair, with genuine imitation suede.

Suddenly his headseat screamed, "Hello, guys!" Porky unwrapped his ham and cheese sub and watched the screen. Guude said, "Welcome back to more UHC statue building. Today we will be building Aureylian."

Porky scratched at his rotting flesh. As he lifted the sandwich to his mouth he briefly wondered if it was cannibalistic for a zombie pigman to eat ham. He quickly decided that since he was a zombie it was not.

The video began with the usual unorganized antics, and then Guude started gathering his materials while talking about how Aurey joined the server, what her background was, and so on. Fully relaxed, Porky set his heels up on the desk and leaned back for some good catching up with the Mindcrack server.

Halfway through his sandwich they were up to Aurey's chest, ender pearling all over the place to make sure her dress and cape were just so and discussing exactly what they would use for her eyes and hair. Movement on the other screen caught his eye, and he fixed that eye squarely on the bank of security monitors filling it. Diagonally up and left of the lower right monitor he saw it, barely perceptible, but he knew what it was all the same. It was the boss.

Leaning back again, Porky turned his attention to the Mindcrack video, watching Guude and Aurey try to figure out how high the statue was supposed to be. Aurey fell from the top of the statue and nearly died, and then Skype started up. Porky sighed and answered the call.

"What is it?" he asked, annoyed.

It was the boss. "I need you to get up here right away."

"Yes, sir," he replied. It was always something with that guy. Porky clicked the pause button, took one more bite of his sandwich and chugged the rest of his YooHoo. He pushed himself up out of his seat. _This is why I can never keep pace with the Mindcrack videos_, he sighed.

* * *

Guude hummed as he dashed through Spawn Village. There had been some changes made since he was last there, but he wasn't paying attention to them. He was intent on his destination: the UHC monument. The path was second nature to him at this point. The world was so familiar to him by now that it would take a huge difference to catch his eye.

In the sky appeared the familiar Enterprise hovering ever vigilant over an assortment of builds including that God-awful pixel art of his own face. It wasn't that he didn't like his own face, it just stuck out like a sore Guude and wrecked the background view for half of the UHC monument.

Materials in hand, he hopped over to the chest he had laid out at the base of his next UHC monument project, casually tossing his stuff into it. He suddenly realized he needed ladders and grabbed the wood he had just put into the chest and started to head over to the crafting area. It was then that he noticed something was different.

He couldn't figure it out it at first, but after a while he realized what it was: Aureylian's statue was missing. He looked around to make sure he wasn't looking in the wrong place, but sure enough it was nowhere to be found. He had just worked on it with her a week before, too.

Sprinting over to the empty lot where her statue had been he found a curious sight: a jukebox playing the song "Ward." That always creeped him out. Guude punched the jukebox to make it stop. His blow must have been very powerful because the jukebox broke. Where it had stood he saw a deep dark ladder-lined hole. It looked dangerous. His gut told him the hole led to danger, but he had to find out what had happened. Doing this alone would probably get him killed, though. This was a job for Team Nancy Drew.

* * *

Guude, Baj, PauseUnpause, and VintageBeef leaned over the hole, gazing intently into the darkness. It was 1x1, with a ladder descending into the yawning depths until it was out of sight. "What do you think guys?" Guude asked.

"It's dark all right," Beef remarked. "Wonder where it goes."

"I don't like the look of it," Pause said. "It could be a trap."

"We should probably have someone scout out the way." Guude looked around at the others.

Pause quickly replied, "I'm going on vacation in a couple of days. Last thing I need is a creeper blowing up my face."

Beef looked at Guude. "I don't have anything to fight with. My inventory disappeared again."

Guude sighed and started throwing supplies at Beef. Baj stood straight and tall, the wind causing his glorious moustache to undulate. "You're all wimps," he chastised. "Baj Grylls isn't afraid to go down some silly hole." And with that he leaped heartily into the air and dropped down the hole.

The remaining three men looked at each other and shrugged. "How is it down there?" Pause called down to Baj.

"Dark," said Baj. His voice was faint. "Nothing's trying to kill me yet, though."

One by one they followed Baj down the ladder. It was definitely dark, and the ladder seemed to go down to the very bowels of the world. When they finally found the bottom their legs and arms ached from so much descending.

"Ouch, watch it, Beef!" Pause said. The four of them found themselves in a very cramped space.

"I think there's a door here," Baj said. "Iron."

"That means there's a button or lever or pressure plate somewhere," Beef said. "Look for one of those things."

There was much jostling and pushing. Someone shoved Guude back against the wall. He felt something dig into his back and click into place. The door swung open, and they heard the sound of something sliding into place above them.

"That's it!" Baj said. The door clanged shut. "Push it again."

Guude pushed it, and Baj quickly slapped a torch on the wall in the space left vacant by his departure. They were in a two by two room with an iron door on one wall and the ladder and button on the opposite wall. The room was lined entirely in bedrock, and the way up had been cut off by a bedrock block that had slid into place when Guude pushed the button.

"How'd they dig into the bedrock?" Pause wondered aloud.

"I don't know, but this prank is starting to go too far." Guude was visibly starting to lose patience.

A few minutes of pushing the button and trying to dart through the doorway in time without getting caught on the wall brought them all into a long narrow passage through the bedrock. Baj led the way, dropping torches onto the floor here and there to light the otherwise pitch-black corridor. After a lot of walking they saw a faint light ahead of them. The four Mindcrackers quickened their pace to get to the source of that light.

They arrived in another small room, this one considerably bigger than the room at the bottom of the hole. It led off into a wider passageway that went perpendicular to the one they had just traveled through. Glowstone placed in strategic spots along the floor, ceiling, and walls provided light. Rails extended as far as they could see into the new corridor. The rails started against the wall opposite the new corridor, beside a chest and underneath a button.

Beef smashed one glowstone. "More bedrock under here," he said, disappointed.

"You think Pak's behind this?" Pause asked. "Getting back at us for spoiling his furnace dungeon."

"That was a long time ago," Guude said.

"It was the origin of Team Nancy Drew, though," Beef observed.

"Too bad my texture pack isn't broken this time," Baj lamented.

"We don't really have much choice," Guude decided. "We have to go along with whoever made this. There's no way back."

"You're not planning on going down that track, are you?" Pause looked fearfully down the way. "It could be a trap."

"This whole thing's a trap," Guude said. "I don't think were safer here…"

On cue, they heard the rattling of bones and the moaning of zombies. They could make out shapes coming down the passageway they had just traveled along. "You're not kidding," Beef said. Guude popped the chest open and, as he suspected, it was filled with minecarts. He grabbed one and plopped it onto the rail.

Guude jumped into his minecart and punched the button. He swung his diamond sword at the first zombie that came into the room flailing its arms at him. The cart rolled away slowly at first then hit a few powered rails and was flung quickly down the track. The ride maintained a fast pace along the 3x3 bedrock passageway. Pause, Baj, and Beef were all keeping up with him in their carts. The walls suddenly turned to sandstone, still lit with glowstone.

Ahead the passage narrowed to a green-walled passage just wide enough for the rail. When they got close enough, Guude's eyes flew wide open and he scrunched himself in the center of his cart. "Watch out!" he yelled.

The narrowed corridor was actually cactus on both sides of the rail. The minecart was rattling as it whipped along the tracks, and Guude was afraid it would jostle him too close to the sharp barbs of the cacti. His head was hunched down between his shoulders and his arms were crossed against his face as he cringed the whole way through the cactus tunnel.

The cacti were behind him now, and sandstone ahead of him. Then just sand, an entire corridor made of sand, wider than the one he was in now. It was getting closer. Guude heard a click, and he instantly sensed danger. The sand corridor began collapsing. Guude screamed, "Get out!" and he leaped from his minecart. He rolled along the sandstone floor and then there was nothing beneath him but a huge gaping void. He scrabbled for anything to grab onto and just caught enough of a finger hold to avoid plunging into the dark ravine below him.

Sand fell down all around him and minecarts raced by and slid off the edge of the broken rails, but he couldn't see if the others had gotten out in time. Guude was grunting and straining to maintain his fingertip hold on the ledge and hopefully pull himself up. He feared moving as it might dislodge him and send him plummeting to his death. He knew he couldn't hold on forever. He was going to have to try and get a leg up over the ledge. Guude labored to pull himself up, his face hot and undoubtedly red. His forearms were burning, and his biceps were tight.

A face appeared over the ledge, smiling down at him. "Hello Guude."

"Aureylian!" Guude said. "Help me up."

A strand of string dropped beside him. Guude unsteadily took hold of the string with one hand, bracing his feet against the wall. Aureylian stared down at him serenely, a thin sword in one hand.

Guude got both hands on the string. "I'm ready," he said. "What are you doing here, anyway?"

"Banana shenanigans," she said, her voice strangely emotionless. Then she swung her sword in an arc, slicing through the string, leaving an astonished Guude to free-fall into the void while she stood watching.


	2. Episode 2

Presenting Mindcrack's Team Nancy Drew in:

The Case of Monumental Malfeasance

Episode 2: Relly Jelly

In his dream, Guude was swimming. The water flowed endlessly around his body as his arms spun in circles. No matter how hard he tried to move forward he only went down. Beyond him there was darkness. _Is this what it's like to die?_ he thought. _I always heard there was a light somewhere._

Hands grabbed him. With one good tug they brought him out of the water. Coughing and gasping for breath, he looked around him. It was the guys: Beef, Baj, and Pause.

"What happened?" he asked.

"I don't know," Baj replied. "When you hit part of the track everything just collapsed. We couldn't stop in time."

"It was all sand everywhere," Beef said. "Must have been another trap."

The sand was piled high throughout the room. The others had apparently put torches all around. Pause had sat himself down and was pouring the sand out of his moccasins. Guude stood up and started to walk around while he stared at the enormous chamber they were in. "How'd y'all survive the drop?" he asked.

Pause pointed up at the column of water falling from the ceiling. "We all managed to hit that waterfall."

Beef was placing more torches. He got to the wall and looked up. "This place is huge. And it's all bedrock. Who made this?"

"Hell if I know," said Guude. He pointed into the darkness above them. "But when I was up there, hanging off the edge, I saw Aureylian."

The others all looked at him. "Really?" asked Baj. "What was she doing there?"

"I don't know," Guude admitted. "She seemed a little weird. She tossed me a line and then cut it and let me fall."

Pause was examining the wall. "Yep, all bedrock. Maybe we can derp pillar back up to the opening."

"Go ahead," Beef said.

"Me? Why should I go?" Pause was looking at each of the others.

"Because you had the idea," Baj said.

Pause sighed. "Okay." All four of them collected sand for him, and when he was sufficiently stocked he began the long process of jumping and placing sand over and over.

"Remember to crouch," Guude yelled up after him.

"Fuck you, Guude," Pause shouted back.

Pause wisely placed torches as he moved upward. The column grew and grew until Pause was out of earshot, and still it grew after that. They could barely see him, he had gone so high. Then something fell.

Beef, Guude and Baj jumped out of the way. It was a creeper, and it died with a hiss. Baj swiped the gunpowder it left behind, but there wasn't enough to be useful. Sand was trickling down, and soon they could see Pause again, frantically digging his pillar out from under him. When he was all the way down he was gasping for breath. At least five arrows were sticking out of him. "Place is full of mobs," he said. "Have any food?"

Guude rummaged in his inventory and found some cooked steak. Pause grabbed it anxiously and chomped it down in a hurry. He leaned back against the wall and sucked in a deep breath as he closed his eyes.

Beef had been sitting against the wall and suddenly sprang up. "I see sunlight," he said, pointing up at the top of the waterfall with his meat cleaver. Everyone else looked where he pointed – except Guude. Guude was staring at the cleaver in Beef's hand.

"How did you get that?" he asked.

"Get what?" Beef asked in turn.

Guude slapped his hand. "That cleaver. That's not vanilla."

Beef looked at it as if seeing it for the first time. "I don't really know, now that you mention it." He searched his inventory. "Looks like it replaced my sword."

"We can swim up and be out of this freaky place," Pause said.

"It'll be a tough swim. Really test a man's mettle, it will." Baj cocked his head to the side to see the top of the waterfall from a different angle. "And once we're up we still have ocean to swim through. Risky, but I can do it. Don't know about you flabby sods."

"We're not going up there," Guude said.

"What're you talking about?" said Pause. "It's probably our only way out of here. Whoever did this was thorough but didn't think about the sea floor collapsing. We need to get out of here before he finds out and closes it off."

"We're not going up there," Guude repeated. "Some crazy shit's happening down here and I'm gonna find out what it is. Nobody dicks around with my server."

"Oh, come on!" Pause looked at Guude and then back at the sunlight shining through the water.

"I can't make you come along," Guude said. "Swim up to the surface if you want. I'm gonna stay down here and figure this shit out."

None of them opted to swim up the waterfall. They couldn't exactly leave Guude to brave the dark depths of this strange place alone. Spreading out, they all started searching for doors or other openings that might lead somewhere. Baj found a narrow passageway and they all headed down it.

The passageway quickly opened into a larger room made from sandstone with a big gaping hole in the middle. Across the hole were unevenly spaced columns of sandstone. "I hate parkour," Guude said.

"It's even worse with a lava floor," Beef added, leaning over the edge. The others leaned with him and saw nothing but lava on the bottom of the hole.

"Now can we swim to the surface?" asked Pause.

"Not if we want to figure this thing out," Guude responded. Steeling himself, he stepped back a bit and then sprinted to the edge of the hole. His arms and legs flailed as he shouted, "Whoooooah!" and landed unsteadily on the single square column.

"God I'm gonna hate this," Pause said.

Unsteadily and slowly they each leaped from column to column, coming precariously close to teetering over the edge many times. But they were getting across. However, once they found themselves in the middle of the parkour maze gaps they heard the sound of many pistons sliding into place and a number of gaps opened up in the walls.

"Skellies," yelled Pause. The room was filled with the twangs of multiple bowstrings as skeletons stepped into the gaps.

"Shit!" shouted Guude as he ducked under an arrow. "Step it up, boys!"

The four of them quickened their pace across the path of pillars. Pause stopped now and again to fire at the skeletons, but when one fell another would simply take its place. "There are spawners in the walls," yelled Beef.

One by one they made it across to the other side and quickly shuffled far enough down the passageway to be out of the skeletons' line of sight. All of them had multiple arrows sticking in them. Pause had the most. "I'm really low on health here," he said. "That shit was worse than Super Hostile."

Guude rummaged through his inventory. "Looks like we're out of food," he said.

"Fuck my life!" said Pause.

Beef was laying down torches. "Found something," he said. He came back to the others holding a jar filled with something pink. "Looks like it's food of some kind."

Pause leaped up and grabbed for the jar. "Give me that," he said. Beef pulled it out of reach.

"Hey, calm down," said Guude. Baj took the jar from Beef and read a label on the front.

"Relly Jelly," he said. "Looks like some kind of sex lube or something."

Guude took the jar and looked it over. "Never seen anything like this before. This definitely ain't vanilla."

"Probably cherry," Beef said. "Maybe we should taste it and find out."

"Yeah, no," said Guude. "Nobody eats this until we find out what it is."

They continued down the corridor. "I'm running out of torches," Beef said.

"Nothing we can do about it," said Guude. "Just make them last as long as you can."

The corridor came to an end in a large room. It was already well lit. Strange machines huffed and clanked and spewed steam into the air. Long tables and counters filled most of the space in the room, and on those tables and counters were a whole bunch of jars filled with the same pink jelly they found in the hallway. A couple of machines had jars in holders and nozzles were slowly pouring jelly into them as well. "What the Hell is this place?" asked Pause, looking all around the room.

An iron door on the far side of the room flew open and out came a zombie pigman finishing off a sandwich, followed by more. When the first pigman spotted Guude and the others it stopped cold in its tracks, looking just as surprised as they were. "What's the hold up?" someone in the other room asked. A few of the pigmen were jostled out of the way as Aureylian emerged from the door. She also stopped when she spotted Team Nancy Drew. Her green eyes narrowed, and she fingered the thin sword at her side as she slowly approached them.

In front of the pigmen now, she halted, carefully scrutinizing the four men. She looked at the jar in Guude's hand. "Oh no," she said, shaking her head. She slid her sword out of its sheath. "You can't have my jelly."


	3. Episode 3

Presenting Mindcrack's Team Nancy Drew in:

The Case of Monumental Malfeasance

Episode 3: A Pause in the Action

By the time his flying machine reached its dock at his headquarters, DocM's ears were ringing from the loud pistons that drove the machine. He still hadn't given the donkey a name – maybe Schmetterling Jr. That brought back memories of the brave horse who gave his life testing Doc's elevator system, only to be replaced by the nameless donkey he kept in it now.

Doc had spent so much time recently on CrackPack that he barely remembered the lay of the land here on Vanilla. Doc hopped off the donkey and looked over the tall purple buildings on his island home. Then he leaped off the edge and into the water.

Back on land, the purple buildings and his huge basketball hoop towered over him. The flying machine was great, but the ride was still rough. He had some modifications in mind that would not only make the flight smoother, but make the machine more versatile overall.

Through the front door and up a few stories of ladders and stairs brought him to the golem farm. To his left a villager hummed, and then a series of fiery huffs greeted his arrival. He popped open the chest and loaded himself up with ample stores of iron.

Doc turned around to go to his redstone storage when he was startled by Aureylian. He hadn't heard her arrive, and he nearly ran into her when he turned around. "Aurey," Doc said.

"Hi, Doc," Aurey greeted in return. "You busy?"

Doc nodded. "Working on my flying machine," he answered.

Aurey's voice was flat. "Sounds interesting. I was just wondering if you wanted to stop by my mansion and have lunch. It doesn't have to be right now. We just haven't done anything together on the server yet and I wanted to get to know you better."

Doc thought for a while. "Uh, sure, I guess. My modifications shouldn't take too long. I'll swing by as soon as I'm done."

* * *

The flying machine was humming along smoothly. Doc's modifications had made it roomier and more agile. The airboat motored across the UHC Monument, Spawn Village, and other structures that Doc didn't know that well due to his absence. Finally he saw it – for the first time, in fact. Genny had built quite an impressive place. Doc parked his flying machine beside the mansion's roof and hopped down onto the wooden pathway. He hesitated for a moment at the nether portal doorway. It hummed at him with its purple swirly opening. Doc held his breath and walked through.

The mansion was very spacious. Aureylian appeared almost as soon as Doc passed through the portal and prompted him to follow her. She had constructed an elaborate kitchen for VintageBeef and was just finishing up the meal.

Doc took a seat at one of the tables. Aureylian laid down a tray heaped with carrots, potatoes, milk, and a sandwich in front of him. Doc thanked her and chomped on a carrot.

"So, that flying machine you made is bananas," Aureylian said.

"Yeah," Doc responded. "It was a goofy idea that actually worked. I even got a donkey on there for mail deliveries or whatever."

Aureylian looked intently at Doc's plate. "Have the sandwich. It's peanut butter and jelly. All homemade. My special recipe."

Doc swigged some milk. Shaking his head he replied, "No thank you. I'm not very hungry right now. I can barely fit the carrots and potatoes inside."

Aurey's jaw clenched and her eyes grew cold as a snow golem's. "Eat it," she said in a low voice laced with menace. "It would really mean a lot to me."

Doc trembled. "I…I'm full," he insisted.

Aureylian stood up suddenly. Her voice now friendlier, she said, "Okay, okay, if you're full you're full." She gestured to Doc to get up. "Come on, I have a problem with Bdubs' room that I need your help with. Shouldn't take long."

Still frazzled by Aureylian's odd behavior, Doc followed her to Bdouble0's room. The place was nicely furnished with a fireplace and a four-poster double bed. To the side was a cute little crib for Baby Bdubs. "It's the mobile," Aureylian said, grabbing the overhanging fencework. "I just can't get it right. Could you look at it for me."

"Sure," Doc said. She swung the crib's cage down and Doc stepped inside to examine her crude mobile. Aureylian slammed the cage up, swung over to the wall and pressed a button.

"You should have eaten the sandwich," she said. Doc felt the bottom of the crib give out below him.

* * *

Aureylian held her sword across her body. Guude started to back away. "Hey now, Aurey, there's no need for violence. You can have your jelly back." He held it out in front of him. She stared at Guude intently, still brandishing her sword.

"You never should have come here," Aureylian said. "I can't let you leave."

Team Nancy Drew fell back as Aureylian approached them menacingly. "I have to get something to eat," Pause said. "I'm down to half a heart." He grabbed the can of jelly, scooped out a hunk of it with his hand, and put it in his mouth.

"Minions!" Aureylian shouted. The pigmen drew together into an organized bunch.

The four Mindcrackers tipped over two of the room's tables and ducked behind them. "Pause," Beef said in a lowered voice. "You shouldn't eat that. You don't know whether it will help you or not. It could be poison."

"What should I do?" Pause asked in a calm and even tone.

"Well right now you should shoot these fuckers," Guude said.

Pause stood up straight, no expression on his face, and he began firing arrows at Aureylian and the pigmen. The others tried to pull him back down, but before any of them could do so all of their assailants had been felled by Pause's arrows. One-shotted, to be specific.

Guude, Beef and Baj stood up, amazed at what had just transpired. "How did you do that?" Baj asked.

Pause didn't answer. He just stood silently staring across the room at nothing. Guude snapped his fingers in front of Pause's face but got no response. "You there, Pause?"

"What do you want me to do, master?" asked Pause.

"It's like he's hypnotized," Beef said, looking Pause over closely.

The jar of Relly Jelly was lying on the floor overturned with half of its sticky contents leaking out. Baj dipped two fingers in the goopy jelly and sniffed it with a cock-eyed expression on his face. "I'll bet it was the jelly," he said. He shook the glob off his fingers.

The room was filled with dead zombie pigmen and gold nuggets. Beef gathered up the nuggets while Guude went to Aureylian, lying prone on the ground with an arrow in her left eye. She was spitting out sparks all over. Baj drew in close, pushing her chin to the side with his thumb. Her head came off, revealing the mechanical insides of a robot.

Baj and Guude looked at each other. "What did you find?" Beef asked as he came over laden with gold nuggets. When he saw the decapitated Aurey-bot he gasped. "Is that what I think it is?"

Baj and Guude nodded. Guude stood up and went to the room Aurey-bot and the pigmen came from. It was a break room with tables, chairs, a refrigerator and stove and cupboards. A television set hung on the wall was playing a YouTube video by DocM about the latest snapshot. A handwritten note on the refrigerator said, "Your mother doesn't work here so clean up your own fucking mess." Beef went back to the door and yelled, "Get in here, Pause."

Guude opened the refrigerator and grabbed some food. Despite his gorging on the Relly Jelly, Pause would probably need some real food to keep him from dying. Closing it again, he distributed the food to his fellow teammates.

The other side of the room had an iron door with no visible lever or pressure plate to open it. There was a lock, however. "Anyone know how to pick a lock?" Guude asked.

"I learned once," Beef said. "Just need some picks." A first-aid box hanging on the wall had some tweezers in it. Baj broke them in half with his handy survival knife. Beef went to work on the lock.

"What do you think's going on?" Guude asked Baj in a hushed tone.

"I couldn't tell you," Baj said. He looked at Pause standing mindlessly still. "We can surmise that the jelly has mind control properties, and the usefulness of that is obvious. But to what end is all this happening?"

There was a click, and the door latch turned. "Follow us, Pause," Guude said, and they all went through the door.

The room beyond the door was huge. Black scaffolding spread across the room, and banks of computers and other machines covered desks and floor. Most prominent, however, was the huge UHC Memorial statue of Aureylian rising high on the other side of the room. Tubes were attached to the statue in various places, and the statue's face, arms and chest were covered with ladders. "Well," said Beef, "we know what happened to the statue, at least."

"Yeah, but why?" asked Guude.

"She kinda looks like Chucky," Beef said as he stared at the statue.

"Maybe we can figure out more if we examine the terminals," Baj suggested. It was a good idea, so the three of them went over to the banks of computers to find something that might explain what was going on. A button was blinking with a red light. Beef pushed it.

"No, Beef, we don't…" Guude began to say before a window appeared on the monitor.

"It's about time you got back to me, nyah," a voice said through the speakers. The person saying those words turned to face the camera. If they could have seen his eyes behind the goggles he wore they would have seen them open wide. "Oh shit!" Vechs said before he cut the video feed short and the window disappeared.

"Didn't see that coming," Guude said.

"What the actual heck is going on here?" asked a booming yet familiar voice from above. They looked up to see the Aurey statue come to life. As she moved her arms and legs the tubes ripped off, hissing with steam.

"Bloody Hell!" Baj said.

"We are gonna need bigger swords," Guude remarked as he stared up at the Aurey statue in horror.

"Get 'er, Pause," Beef ordered.

The Aurey statue advanced on them, fists rising to pummel Team Nancy Drew into dust. "Huh, wha?" Pause said, shaking his head vigorously. "Get who?" He blinked his eyes a few times. "Where am I?" He spotted the giant Aurey statue waddling forward like the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man. "What. The. Fu…"


	4. Episode 4

Presenting Mindcrack's Team Nancy Drew in:

The Case of Monumental Malfeasance

Episode 4: Australian Adventure

The intercom in Rainbow Castle crackled. "Aureylian 163, come in. Are you there, Aureylian 163?"

Hesitant fingers with glitter-rimmed nails took hold of the microphone unit and pulled the curly cord taut. Staring through her rainbow-colored window as she pondered her words, Aureylian 163 held the microphone close to her mouth and pressed her thumb against the mic button. She cleared her throat and said, "Roger, Shadowlord."

"What's the situation?" the voice sputtered.

Aureylian 163 glanced at her monitor. "The, um, factory has been breached."

"What!" Shadowlord stifled a curse. "What's going on down there?"

"Well, sir, Aureylian 666 was destroyed, as well as her crew, and the jelly has been compromised."

"Tell me that's all that happened," demanded the aggravated voice.

"Uh, no, sir. The invaders saw Vechs on a console."

Aureylian 163 could hear the sound of crashing through the tinny speakers. "Did he see them?" asked the Shadowlord.

Aureylian 163 nodded, then, realizing nobody could see her, she said, "Yes. He says Guude, Baj, and VintageBeef were there."

"Damn!" said Shadowlord. "Probably Pause, too. Team Nancy Drew. It can't get much worse than this."

Aureylian 163 swallowed hard. "Actually, it can. Aurey Prime has activated."

There was a tense silence over the line for a moment, then: "What the fu-"

* * *

"-ck?" Pause finished. He stared in horror at the towering statue that had come to life. "Is that Australian – um – whatever her name is?"

"Aureylian," Guude corrected. "You really need to get on Vanilla more often."

"Yeah, maybe once Garry's Mod stops being fun, which will be never."

"Guys, how about we concentrate on the big evil statue attacking us?" Baj said.

The Aureylian statue moved slowly, but the blows from her fists were powerful. She had already smashed most of the equipment in the room. The statue was dripping pink goo nearly everywhere. "She's really mad," Beef said.

A door across the room slammed open, and more of the Aurey-bots came streaming into the room. "Holy Spicy Guacamole!" they said when they saw the Aureylian statue lumbering throughout the room.

"How many of these things are there?" Guude asked. "If anything ever qualified as a rock and a hard place, this is it."

"Up there," Pause said, pointing toward a grating high on the wall. "We might be able to get through that. I don't think that statue thing could get us there."

"How do we get up there though?" Beef asked, scrambling away from one of the statue's big fists.

"We don't have ladders," Guude said, holding off a couple of Aurey-bots with his sword.

"Does anyone have anything we can pillar up with?" asked Pause.

"All we've gotten is sand so far," said Baj. "We try to climb up with that they can just knock us down from the bottom."

"Not if I protect the column," Pause said.

"What?" said Beef.

"You guys pillar up with the sand, I'll hold them off," Pause explained.

"But what about you?" was Guude's obvious question.

"I'll figure something out. We don't have too many choices, and this is our only chance to get back up to the surface."

"We can give him some more jelly," said Beef.

"No!" Guude insisted. "We don't know enough about that stuff. Too much of it could fuck up his brain or something."

"He was a badass after eating it," Beef continued.

"That was one Aurey-bot and a handful of pig…" Guude was interrupted by Pause grabbing a scoop of Relly Jelly and shoving it in his mouth.

"What do you want me to do?" he asked, his eyes staring blankly at the wall.

"Get us to the wall and hold off the Aurey-bots and that…thing while we pillar up," Beef said. Pause darted between the Aureylian statue's legs shooting Aurey-bots out of the way while the others followed him closely. Once they got to the wall, Beef, Guude and Baj began building their sand columns. Below Pause methodically shot the advancing Aurey-bots with precise aim. They were falling all around him like noobs in a spleef contest. The others had made it up to the grating and Baj pried it open. The Aureylian statue was swinging slowly around to slam them against the wall. At the base of the sand pillars, Pause shot his last arrow and the Aurey-bots were close to overtaking him. "Pillar up!" shouted Beef, but the Aurey-bots were all over Pause before he could get any sand out. A huge beige fist was coming at them, and the Aurey-bots were already starting to hack at the sand.

"Get in the damn hole!" Guude shouted at Beef. Baj was already wriggling down the tunnel. Beef glanced one last time at the pile of Aurey-bots on Pause and then at the looming Aureylian statue and he jumped into the hole, followed closely by Guude. His feet had barely gotten inside when Guude and the two remaining members of Team Nancy Drew felt the Aureylian statue's fist slam against the wall with a bone-rattling boom.

"There's a way up," Baj said. "Hopefully it leads to the surface."

"Oh, Pause," Beef said in a quiet tone, looking helplessly back at the beginning of the passage.

* * *

Doc stirred in his dark prison as a door was flung open. He couldn't see anything in the doorway, but something was shoved unceremoniously into the room. He heard a few cackles and cacophony of okays. Then the door slammed tight again.

Doc strained against the tripwire hooks holding him against the wall. "Hey, come over here." he said in a half whisper. Someone shuffled forward until he was close enough to see.

"What do you want me to do?" asked a familiar voice.

"Pause!" Doc exclaimed, excited to see his friend. "Aureylian's up to something. We gotta find a way out of here."

"As you wish," Pause said, and he turned around and disappeared into the shadows.


	5. Episode 5

Presenting Mindcrack's Team Nancy Drew in:

The Case of Monumental Malfeasance

Episode 5: Raiders of the Lost Arkas

Porky entered the boss' office. "What do you need, sir?" he asked.

A high-backed leather chair spun slowly around. It was supposed to look ominous but Porky was far too used to the boss' peculiarities to fall for his dramatics. Porky had read enough manga to spot a nerd cosplaying a Naruto character for what he was.

"We've had an…incident," the boss said through his ninja mouth mask.

"Don't we usually just send the Aureylians to fix it?"

"Yes," hissed the boss. "But this time they're part of the problem. Seems I have to take care of this myself."

"And?" Porky wasn't quite getting what the boss wanted.

"And I need you to man the console while I'm gone, bird brain." The boss took a breath and composed himself again. "I don't think I'll be long. It's pretty straightforward really, with one hitch." The boss pointed to a blinking red button at the far end of his console. "See that button over there?"

"You mean the beautiful shiny button?" Porky asked?

"Yes," said the boss.

Porky had moved across the room and was standing right in front of the button. In a trance-slow voice, he said, "The jolly, candy-like button?" His index finger hovered over the beckoning button.

The boss slapped him hard. "Don't touch it!" he yelled. "You are to guard that button and see that nobody touches it, or the consequences will be dire."

The boss stood up and Porky got into his chair. Looking over at the button, he asked, "What does it do?"

The boss was at the doorway when he turned and said, "It turns off the microwave. I've got a burrito cooking, and I'll kick your rotting ass if it ends up cold." Then the boss was gone in a flash.

* * *

A tone rose from the jukebox, gaining in volume until the words "Oh Yeah!" could be heard. After that a catchy tune that was heavy on the drum beats played, interspersed with short lyrics. "What the fuck?" "Mindcrack," and "Noooo!" were the most prominent.

"Would you shut that off?"

It was over anyway. He punched the jukebox, grabbed the record, and said: "Hello, hello, boys and girls, 'dis is AnderZEL, of course, and…"

Anderz stopped suddenly, choking a little.

Bdouble0 laughed. "Hell's blazes, Anderz, get those marbles out of your mouth."

Anderz looked at him momentarily, and then spat a number of marbles onto the ground.

The entire crowd started laughing. "I told you not to put them in your mouth, didn't I?" Bdubs admonished.

"Must be a Swedish thing," Generikb said. "Probably thought they were meatballs."

Anderz laughed with the others outwardly, but his inner Viking was scowling. "Welcome back-a to the Mind-a crack-a," said Zisteau.

"Anyway, we're back here at Arkas' unfinished castle to do some more Spawn Wars PvP," Kurtjmac said. He swiveled his head back and forth to survey the crowd of participants through his red and blue 3D glasses.

"You should probably say who all's playing," PaulSoaresJr suggested.

"Oh, good idea," said Kurt.

"Oh no!" cried MCGamer. "I'm down to half a heart now. I just fell."

"There's MC," Kurt announced. "And me, of course. Bdouble0 is here."

"Don't forget our host," Genny said.

Kurt nodded. "Yeah, right. Arkas…where is Arkas anyway?"

"I'm lost guys," Arkas said. "I went down some stairs and through some rooms and I don't know how to get back."

"You built the thing," SethBling said. "How do you get lost in your own castle?"

"You're not cheating are you?" Anderz asked.

"Yeah," said Genny, "because sheeters never win."

Everyone laughed. Anderz felt his inner Viking take a firm grip on its axe.

"Racis damn Bulgarian, making fun of my accent," Anderz complained.

"Forget the intros, let's do this," BlameTheController said.

"Okay," Kurt responded. "Everybody grab some gear from the chests."

Anderz jostled AvidyaZen aside to dig out some armor and weapons from one of the chests. He quickly got himself geared up and ran off to his own remote part of the castle to wait out the countdown.

Crouching stealthily, Anderz crept through the maze of stone-brick stairs and walls festooned with ivy and leaves. He ducked quickly behind some cover as JSano ran by with his firefighter suspenders flapping back and forth. Anderz trained his bow on JSano's back, but he was gone before the Swede could get a bead on him.

On top of a tower, he spied Generikb. "I see you Genny," Anderz said to himself in a low voice. He drew his bow and let fly. Genny hopped when the arrow hit. Anderz chuckled and ducked behind the battlements, then slid down a ladder.

The fight took him all over the castle, and even beyond when he fell off a wall. Sneaking through the trees, he found a nice hill he could climb to get a good vantage point. Anderz crested the hill and looked over the castle grounds. The other contestants were darting about, taunting each other and making jokes. Kurt downed MCGamer as he was climbing a ladder. Anderz heard rustling behind him. _Someone trying to ambush me, eh?_ He spun around, bow drawn.

Aureylian's UHC statue stared at him. The ladders all over her face creeped him out, not to mention the fact that she was moving. "Are you shitting me?" Anderz muttered. Screaming, he ran across the castle grounds.

"Come out and play, AnderZEL," the giant statue said in a creepy high-pitched Pikachu voice. More people ran across his path – Guude, VintageBeef, and Baj.

"Hey, no crashing our Spawn Wars!" Bdubs yelled when he saw them running.

"Sheeters!" yelled Genny.

"What the Hell?" Pakratt exclaimed. Dozens of Aureylians were running after Guude's crew.

"No time to explain," Guude said. "Just run."

They couldn't keep this up. The Aureylians were catching up to them. Even with so many people shooting at them there were just too many. "We have to get to high ground," Anderz said.

Guude shook his head. "That would only delay the in…ev…itab…" Distracted by a series of heavy thuds growing louder, he turned long enough to look at what was making the sound.

A huge iron bowl slid through the air. It had been modified heavily, but Anderz recognized DocM's flying machine. Doc was seated in front of the controls, his lab coat flapping in the wind and his cyborg eye glowing brightly. PauseUnpause stood poised on the lip of the flying bowl firing arrows into the horde of Aureylians. The pistons driving Doc's flying machine clapped loudly as it sped toward them.

"Pause!" cried Beef gleefully.

Doc had to yell to be heard over the pistons. "Get to da towa," he said, pointing to the tallest tower in Arkas' castle. Guude repeated the command to everyone who was trying to escape the mass of Aureylians. They all funneled into the tower and stomped up the stairs as fast as they could.

The flying ship came to a halt beside the tower. Despite Doc's modifications, the ship was not extremely large, and though they managed to fit everyone on it, the folks on the edges were white-knuckling it. Anderz was one of those edge dwellers, having graciously waited for everyone else to get on before boarding himself. He sat gripping the edge of the bowl as Doc set the flying machine in motion once again.

As they started off he saw Arkas finally coming to ground after being lost throughout the whole Spawn Wars battle. Anderz yelled a warning, but the pistons drowned out his voice. When Arkas saw the multitude of Aureylian's coming at him he scrambled to get away. It was at that moment that Anderz spotted another figure darting about the castle so fast that he couldn't be seen clearly.

* * *

Doc's flying machine was passing over the Perimeter now, where the landscape cut off suddenly into an expanse of water. In the midst of that water were the large purple towers of Doc's headquarters.

Beef was wedged somewhere in the middle of the bowl that was filled with a bunch of uncomfortable Mindcrackers. Pause was at his side; Beef was grateful for that. He thought he had lost his friend back in that whacked-out factory with the Aureylian statue. It had been the hardest thing he ever had to do, leaving Pause behind like that.

The flying machine stopped at its airdock, and the cramped and grumpy passengers jumped down in to the water and swam onto the island. Doc really needed to put a proper exit on that thing. Doc led the way into his lab and he, Guude, Baj, SethBling, and BTC went off to experiment on the Relly Jelly while the rest of them chilled out in the common areas of the towers. Bdubs, Genny, and JSano went over to the giant basketball hoop to derp around.

An awkward silence had built up as Beef pondered what to say to Pause. It had been a defining moment for him, after all. It was something that couldn't go without discussion. But Pause had little memory of it. He had been mind controlled by the jelly. It seemed like such a one-sided sentiment.

Beef couldn't hold it in anymore. "Pause, we have to talk" he said.

Pause had been propping himself up on a windowsill and looking at the continent across the water. He turned to Beef. "What is it, Beef?" he asked.

"It's when you were taken by those Aurey-bots," Beef said. "I had to…" He couldn't continue.

Pause ducked his head toward Beef. "What are you trying to say?"

"I've never done…" The words were not coming. Beef stroked his thick black beard. "I mean, leaving you…"

The doors to Doc's lab swung open with a swish and Doc came out, still wearing his rubber gloves and holding a vial of bubbling and smoking pink liquid in front of him. "We figured out what was in the jelly," he said.

Pakratt asked, "What's in it?"

"Everything," said BTC.

Doc set the vial in a holder on a nearby table. "The jelly was made from mashing every item from Mindcraft together into one mixture. Down where Team Nancy Drew found the factory things don't work by the rules we know. It must be a glitched area underneath all the bedrock. They were able to make this concoction by combining everything that can be harvested, grown, mined, forged or built together – except one thing."

"Well, don't leave us hanging, Doc," Beef said. "What is the one thing?"

Doc held up a shining yellow apple. "A Notch apple."


	6. Episode 6

Presenting Mindcrack's Team Nancy Drew in:

The Case of Monumental Malfeasance

Episode 6: Applesauce - It's What's For Dinner

There was a bowl on the lab table filled with pink jelly. Doc leaned over it as did everyone who had come along for the ride. They couldn't all fit in the space directly around the bowl, so the ones behind jostled to get so much as a glimpse of what Doc was doing. Some had even climbed the rafters to get a view.

"We analyzed this jelly very closely," Doc explained. "We" in this case was the Zip Krowd, Doc's panel of expert testers. "None of us had ever seen anything like this, for certain."

"How could you possibly know that it contains every Minecraft item except a Notch Apple in such a short time?"

"Good question, Beef," Doc replied. "We have very well stocked research facilities, but it all came down to math. Well, math and chemistry. As you can see, this material reflects the full spectrum of ultraviolet light."

"Um, we can't see that," Beef said. "We don't have cybernetic eyes like you."

"Of course," Doc said. "Perhaps this will show it better." He flicked a switch and the room went black, except for the jelly on the table. It shone with twisting bands of luminescence.

Doc flicked the switch again. "So the ultraviolet light tells us the chemical composition, and the math tells us the chemical density. If you'd like we could go over the calculations." He shot glances in an arc from his left shoulder to his right shoulder. "I thought so."

"Now the fascinating part is what happens when we put the Relly Jelly in contact with a mashed up Notch Apple – Apfelmus." Another scan of the faces around him revealed blank stares. "I believe you would call it applesauce. Or maybe Notch sauce – no, that just sounds dirty."

Doc brought another bowl forward, this one filled with glowing golden sauce similar to the Relly Jelly but lumpier. He spooned a dab of the applesauce onto the edge of the Relly Jelly. The reaction was instant; the jelly hissed and smoked when the applesauce touched it. Wherever the sauce came in contact with the jelly it dissolved it completely.

"Based on my interaction with Aureylian, and with the effect it had on Pause, it appears that whoever's behind this is tricking people into eating the jelly and using its mind control properties to their advantage. I also suspect that they are trying to get the Mindcrackers who are known for their innovations and clever designs. That would explain Vechs and me. From what we can tell, it clears out the mind in such a way that the victim is sensitive to suggestion. We can't tell if the jelly enhances existing talents or simply clears the mind so that the victim can perform actions more precisely. Whatever the case, anyone under the influence of this jelly will be in top form and very dangerous."

"Well that's just dandy!" said Bdubs.

Doc shrugged. "I wish I could tell you more, but like I said we've never seen anything like this before."

"I have," said BTC. "At EthoCorp. Etho was experimenting with liquid redstone. He had created some specially modified golems that had the stuff running through synthetic arteries. He thought it could improve their AI."

"Did it work?" asked Doc.

BTC shrugged. "I don't know. I was only there to trade for some nether quartz. He explained the concept, but it was way past my pay grade. I only remember that it looked almost exactly like that jelly, but not quite as thick."

"Maybe he can shed some light on this," Doc said.

"Maybe he's in on it," said Kurt.

"That is the most likely hypothesis," Doc replied.

"Okay, guys," Guude chimed in. "Way I see it, we have to do two things. First, we need to track down Vechs and maybe stuff this applesauce down his throat. Second, we have to pay EthoCorp a visit and see if we can figure this mess out."

"We should probably try to find Aureylian – or at least, the non-mechanical one," MCGamer said.

"Anyone know where she's been lately?" Guude asked.

SethBling said, "She's been doing a lot of my Building Game, but last I saw she was doing Sunburn Islands with…" He didn't have to say the rest. They all knew it. Vechs.

Baj stood over a crudely drawn map. "Men," he said in a stern voice, "this is a map of Sunburn Island, or the best we can figure from the videos. We have no idea where Vechs may be hiding. I won't lie to you, men – Sunburn Islands is an unforgiving place. There are islands filled with nasty mobs everywhere. They don't call it super hostile for nothing."

Baj started pacing back and forth beside the map. "This place – this Hell was thought up by one of the most diabolical minds on the server. Do not let your guards down. I repeat, do not let your guards down or you will be creeper food. Do you understand me?"

Zisteau, SethBling and PaulSoaresJr stood still before Baj's verbal onslaught. "I said, do you understand me!" yelled Baj. Paul wiped Baj's spittle off his face.

The three of them looked at each other and then back at Baj. "Uh, yeah, we do. Why are you yelling?"

"Because this ain't no game of hopscotch, maggots! This is war. You need to be ready, get your affairs in order. You need to check your kits."

They rustled through their inventories. "Enchanted diamond armor and weapons," they reported. "Lots of arrows, health potions, and ender pearls."

"Oh, and boats," said Seth.

"And lava buckets," said Zisteau.

"Why just the three of us?" asked Paul.

Baj's face turned beat red. "Are you afraid, maggot? You gonna go piss your Depends until they leak all over the…"

Guude pushed him aside. "Cut it out, Baj," he said. "This is an infiltration mission. Too many people would raise alarms, and Vechs would just move somewhere else. The islands have way too many hiding places. We need you to get in there, find him quickly, and sauce him before he can throw up any more defenses. We'll keep in touch with you over the com. Maybe EthoCorp will have something that can help pinpoint his position."

"Fighting with applesauce," said Pause, shaking his head. "That's like some fucked up UHC."

Genny shouted in a crappy Scottish accent, "They can take our sauce, but they'll never take our jelly!"

Guude climbed onto a platform and held his arms up to quiet the laughing. "Listen, guys, Baj is right. This won't be easy. We're running into this blind. Hell, we don't even know why they're doing this. But I know one thing. Nobody fucks with my server."

The crowd cheered boisterously. "Our strike team will hit Vechs, and the rest of us will investigate EthoCorp. Well, not everyone. We'll leave Doc and some others here to coordinate things and get us back to the Perimeter if things go wrong. I can't force any of you to come along, but if you love Mindcrack, help us stop these bastards."

Doc stepped up beside Guude. "You can use my flying machine, any supplies from my base, and even my beloved chicken jockey."

"What the Hell do we need a chicken jockey for?" Bdubs asked.

"They're fast and noisy. He could be a distraction. Look, we need to be creative here and think outside the block."

He stood on the top of a sand pyramid in the middle of the ocean. Brown hair, brown goatee, teal shirt and purple pants. From the looks of his disheveled clothing he was a mere castaway. But the way he stared across the distance with those bright white eyes of his suggested otherwise. He watched as the tiny figures far away in the clutter of purple towers loaded up their flying machine. Weapons, food, potions – even a pig with a saddle.

They were a ragtag bunch, stumbling blind into places they didn't belong. He clenched his bare fists as the wind streaked across his vantage point. They dared defy him! Soon they would know his wrath. Soon they would find their pitiful little server under his control. They could take their math and science and shove it in their pixellated buttholes. He would come out of this with the upper hand.

Turning away, he drew his stone pickaxe near to his body. "Come at me, bros," he said.


	7. Episode 7

Presenting Mindcrack's Team Nancy Drew in:

The Case of Monumental Malfeasance

Episode 7: Team Adorabolical

Paulsoaresjr leaned back as the autopilot on Doc's flying machine kicked in. They had just dropped off the crew members that were going to infiltrate EthoCorp, so it was just he, Zisteau and SethBling left on the ship. Not the most amazing strike team, but no Mindcracker really fit that description. Paul had to admit it – he was scared. Baj wasn't exaggerating that much. But like Guude said, the future of Mindcrack depended on them. Luckily, Paul had brought his trusty Hero Pig along.

The ship's console began a series of frenetic beeps with an array of flashing green lights that only a cybernetic mad doctor could understand. Fortunately, that mad doctor had informed Paul of what he needed to push at just this occasion. From the top left to right and down the array; 36, 8, 29, 4, 6. As he touched the last square on the console a sexy female voice tinged with an equally sexy German accent said, "Intermap drive initiated. Prepare for jump."

"Jumpy jumpy jump," muttered a half-asleep Zisteau.

The ship lurched momentarily, and all visible light became more and more elongated until it looked like they were moving super fast through a tunnel rimmed with tanning lights. The pistons chugged at more than twice the tempo they usually managed, and Doc's contraption rattled like nobody's business. Then the streaking lights winked out, leaving them in total darkness.

Within a few short minutes the light returned, and their jump speed reduced quickly. Before them lay an endless ocean. "Loading map," the ship's voice purred. "Map loaded."

They saw a few small sandy islands with tall slender palm trees. The ship's console reverted to a three-dimensional holographic projection showing the last known layout of the Sunburn Islands, based on information from the downloadable map itself along with corollary information from wikis and YouTube. A square bracket flashed on the edge of the small islands on the map. "Now approaching Starting Islands," the ship said. The map zoomed in on a diagram of the starter islands, showing points of interest. It pinpointed the opening to the Victory Monument cave. Paul touched the entrance on the map and the ship started listing to the right.

"I've played this map before," Seth said. "It's not Vech's hardest map, but it's still pretty hard."

The ship slowed down until it hovered over the large square cave entrance rimmed with lapis lazuli blocks and glowstone. The three of them rappelled down and entered the cave cautiously.

The monument room was well lit and hewn from sandstone, with a glowstone-backed two-tiered monument area. The lower tier was almost completely lined with variously-colored wool with signs above and below the monuments. Off to the left was a ladder leading down, and to their right was a door with a small garden beside it. The cave appeared to be unoccupied.

Seth climbed down to the basement level while Paul investigated the room behind the door. Seth came back first. "Anything?" asked Zisteau.

Seth shook his head. "Pretty much what I expected. A large room with crafting stations and rows of chests. There was a bunch of miscellaneous junk in there, but no clues. Got us some good supplies, though."

Zisteau turned to face the monument. "The only thing missing is red wool and a diamond block."

The door opened, and Paul came out reading a book. "What did you find?" asked Zisteau.

"A book," said Paul without looking up. "It was under the mattress of one of the beds. Looks like Aureylian was keeping a journal."

SethBling asked, "What does it say?"

"Day 17: We've been together on this island for so long that we're driving each other insane. This place is totes bananas. All we have left is the red wool. Vechs says that's in the hardest dungeon of them all. Yikes! I don't know if it's just my imagination but he seems to be losing it. That maniacal laugh of his is starting to creep me out."

"All signs point to the dungeon with the red wool in it," Seth said.

"I don't know," said Zisteau. "It just seems too easy."

"I've been through that dungeon," Seth said. "Believe me, it isn't easy."

"That's not what I mean," Zisteau explained. "I mean, Vechs knows we're on to him. You'd think he'd go somewhere else so we couldn't find him so easily."

"He may not be able to," said Seth. "Getting out of the dungeon isn't any easier than getting into it, especially if he keeps the mobs spawning. The center of a dangerous dungeon can be a good place to hide. You've got good protection around you. And he's been spending all this time pretending to take Aureylian on a tour of his super hostile map. Going someplace they've already been would make her suspicious."

"Whatever the case," said Paul, "we don't have anything else to go by. If he's not in the red wool dungeon we just have to search every dungeon on this map until we find them."

They raided the base of anything useful and got back onto Doc's flying machine. "Find the red wool," Paul ordered. The voice said, "Searching," and the display centered on a set of pinnacles rising from the water. Paul touched the bracketed formation and the flying machine chugged to life and spun about to face the destination.

It moved to the edge of the Starter Islands when the console began beeping frenetically. "Warning," said the console voice, "terrain mismatch. Cannot locate destination."

"There you go," said Zisteau. "That's what he had up his sleeve. Vechs went and changed the map on us."

* * *

Seth was starting to nod off as the flying machine circled the ocean in ever-widening loops. It felt like they had been searching the Sunburn Islands for days. It was probably more like hours. He was beginning to give up hope of finding anything recognizable. Everything was topsy-turvy. It was beginning to look like they would have to do this the hard way.

He had previously thought it was impossible to change a realm with people on it. Depending on where they were they could end up deep underwater or encased in a wall. Vechs would have had to prepare the world beforehand, and he would probably have set a small section aside that was identical in both worlds to avoid the whole issue of being encased in…

"Bowser," he said.

Paul and Zisteau came alive. "What?" they asked.

Seth pointed toward an odd-shaped island in the distance. "That island is shaped like Bowser, from Super Mario World."

"What do you know?" said Zisteau. "It is. So what?"

"Vechs told Aureylian that the pinnacle formation where the Dismal Deep Darkness dungeon was located was inspired by the Bowser entrance that rises out of the sea." He tapped his red plumber's hat. "See, paying attention pays off."

The flying machine came to a stop above an indentation in Bowser's belly. The three of them rappelled down once more. Hiking up a short slope they arrived at a bare rock wall with an iron door in it.

Zisteau searched around for a lever or pressure plate. "How do we get in?" he asked.

Paul sneered and smacked the door with his pickaxe. It fell under his blow. "That's how," he said.

Inside, a short passageway led to a long drop into what looked like water. Zisteau put an arm across Paul's chest as he leaned forward. "Careful," he said. "That could be blue wool."

"Don't worry, we have ladders," Seth said, and soon they had descended the dark obsidian walls to a cavern below.

There were, of course, mobs everywhere. Any creature that could fit inside the space was in that cavern. "This is it boys," said Paul. "Now we just have to survive this hellhole and find Vechs."

"Come get some," said Zisteau, brandishing his sword.

* * *

Weary and battered, the three adventurers found themselves at the top of a bedrock-walled room. The only walking space consisted of a narrow ledge of mossy cobble high up on the wall with multiple spawners in each corner kicking up an insane amount of mobs. The middle of the room had an all-glass structure elevated just above the floor by posts. The floor, of course, was lava.

Seth ducked back into the passage they had come from. "I know this place," he said. "This is the lobby. It's exactly the same as the original dungeon."

"Are they here?" Paul asked.

Zisteau had set up a mob blocker made from cobblestone. Seth tried to peer under it. "Too many mobs to see," he said.

"Let's do this then," said Paul.

They knocked the zombies and skeletons off the ledge in front of them. Seth broke the mob blocker and Zisteau jumped onto the ledge. "Lava bucket ho!" he said, dumping the contents of his bucket onto the set of spawners in the corner. The mobs started burning, finished off by swords and arrows. Zisteau picked up his lava again as Seth broke the spawners while Paul kept the mobs away from him with their bows. Paul built a cobblestone wall at the edge of the ledge to keep them from getting knocked into the lava. Slowly and methodically the three cleared the room of all mobile threats.

"There's something in the middle of that glass, if I remember correctly," Seth said. They could see something that looked like red brick. Zisteau created a path to the glass out of cobble. He broke his way down to the red brick column.

"There are two levers here," he shouted.

"I don't remember levers," Seth said.

"One's up and one's down."

"Hold on," Seth called out. He quickly made a workbench, and then used it to make a lever. He stuck the lever on a wall. It faced up. "Flick the down one," he yelled.

Zisteau flicked it. They heard a thunk as a hole opened up in the far wall.

* * *

"What are you doing?" Aureylian asked.

Vechs didn't answer. He lifted her onto the stack of TNT. She struggled against her bonds, but it was no use.

The cave was amply lit by a river of lava flowing out of the wall and along a channel in the floor. On the other side of the lava river Aureylian saw a group of zombie pigmen in leather leggings run by. Each of them wielded a sign.

"They told me to do it. You saw the comments, didn't you? They want me to blow you up." Vechs was fidgeting.

"When they donate to charity, not just any old time," Aureylian said. "Why are we even here? I thought we were finishing this dungeon."

"The only thing that's finished is you," Vechs said, followed by a maniacal cackle. Aureylian could hear the sound of battle through the walls.

"Rude!" Aureylian said.

She heard the sound of a pickaxe chipping away at stone. Vechs nervously backed closer to the stack of TNT.

The stone wall was breached. SethBling came out, training his bow on Vechs. Paulsoaresjr broke a second hole through the wall. Zisteau came out of the opening wielding one of the pigmen's signs. It glowed with enchantment. Swinging the sign around, he said, "I love this thing. Unlimited power!"

Vechs sidled in front of Aureylian. He poised his foot above a pressure plate connected to the TNT by a line of redstone. "Come any closer and I blow her up."

"Oh, that is just full of so much Hell no!" Aureylian said.

Seth said, "We know what we have to do, guys," as he lowered his bow.

Zisteau lowered his battlesign and his head. "Yes we do," he said. Then he drew the sign back and leaped across the lava river yelling, "Suck it!"

* * *

He did it. He actually did it. Vechs planted his weight squarely on the pressure plate and then darted forward as the current traveled down the redstone. Time seemed to slow as Paul's heart rose up into his throat. "Get her!" he shouted, but Zisteau and Seth had already started running toward Aureylian.

Vechs ran toward an opening at the other end of his cavern. Unthinking, Paul dove out of the passageway he had mined through the stone and leaped across the lava. Scrambling to get to his feet, he peripherally saw Zisteau and Seth grab hold of Aureylian. The TNT was glowing and pulsing.

As Vechs approached the large opening a pig with a saddle darted across his path. He jumped onto the pig and sped out the hole. Paul put two fingers in his mouth and let out a loud whistle. As he reached the opening Hero Pig dropped down onto the ledge. Paul jumped on his back and held on for dear life as the TNT went off.

Both Vechs and he were blown out of Bowser's mouth by the force of the explosion. He could see Vechs below him hanging on to his pig as it fell toward the ocean below. This was his last chance. Paul hunkered down to try to gain some speed. Vechs turned, saw him, and struck out with his redstone torch. Paul dodged the blow. He grabbed Vechs by the overalls and pulled. His free hand swung down and smacked a huge glob of applesauce into Vechs' mouth. Then Paul pushed Vechs away.

Vechs stiffened as the applesauce went down his throat. He and the pig hit the water with a large splash. Paul went the opposite direction, and he and Hero Pig careened into the side of Bowser Island, bursting into an explosion of inventory items.

Paulsoaresjr hit the ground too hard.


	8. Episode 8

Presenting Mindcrack's Team Nancy Drew in:

The Case of Monumental Malfeasance

Episode 8: Geography 101

The members of Infiltration Team Three skirted around the well manicured exterior of EthoCorp. The architecture was modern in its presentation – cyan clay and quartz with what looked like blue wool as decorative insets. Asymmetry was its most dominant feature.

The walkway leading to the main doors had two pedestals on either side, one topped with an ordinary chest and the other with an ender chest. Farther down the path along the edge of the building was a statue of a Tyrannosaurus Rex and beyond that were other prominent structures that had nothing to do with EthoCorp.

The front door was a cross with a hole in the center. It was some fancy gadgetry that Baj had no interest in. As leader of his infiltration team he was interested in one thing and one thing only – striking hard and fast so anyone inside had no time to react.

His face was smeared with coal. It helped him blend in with the surroundings. Bdubs had pointed out that his bright red beret would give him away, but that was nonsense. Going on a mission without his trusty beret would be like shaving off his manly mustache. Such an idea boggled the mind.

Using hand signals, he placed his three squadmates in strategic positions at the major ground entrances, even if they weren't actual entrances but rather quick breach points. Team Two was tunneling underneath the building for a breach from below, and Guude's team would come down from above via the roof access doors. On his command they were to break into the lab simultaneously.

Guude checked in with the teams. "Team three, you ready?"

Baj had already checked with his men. "Ready, Guude," he said.

"Team two, are you in position?"

Pause yelled, "Fuck, creeper!" and there was an explosion. "Just a half a heart," he sighed.

"Oh, this is not good," said Genny. "Oh, I am in such a bad spot."

"Get your men together, Pause," Guude said.

"We'll be ready," said Pause.

Agonizing seconds ticked by. A crackle on the com units preceded Guude's go signal. "Move in," he said.

"Get #rekt!" cried Genny as Baj stepped on the pressure plates that opened the door. Klaxons wailed throughout the building. The immediate hall was empty except for a captive pigman named Zisteau behind a counter. Holes popped open in the floor as Team Two tunneled up. MCGamer slid down a ladder from the roof.

Panicked zombie pigmen began running down the halls to stop the intruders. The infiltration team fanned out. Baj threw a vial of witch's poison into the crowd of pigmen. On the other side of the building, JSano doused them with a slow potion.

Arrows rained down on Etho's minions. Avidya and Beef drove into the mass of squealing pigmen from either side, cutting them down with their enchanted diamond swords. Guude and some others mopped up the pigmen who ran away.

They reached a control station. There was a lone pigman inside desperately searching the panel for some way to stop them. Baj pounded on the door. "Little pig, little pig, let me in," he said.

The pigman yelled back, "Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin!"

Baj replied, "Then you leave us no choice but to…" A sound and flash of movement stole his attention from the pigman in the control room.

Members of the team grunted as something so fast as to be no more than a blur jostled them. Within moments it had disarmed them of all their tools, including Baj. It finally came to a stop, perched on the rafters above them. Blue ninja suit, ninja mouth cover, headband, differently colored eyes. Etho was back.

"Nice try," said Etho, "But you'll have to bring a lot more people with you if you want to stop me." He raised his hand, which was clenching a thumb trigger. "Say goodbye to all your stuff," he said as he pressed his thumb down on the trigger.

Nothing happened. Etho's eyes scrunched together as he repeatedly pressed the button and hit it with his other hand. Then suddenly the back of his base exploded. Startled, Etho looked behind him and exclaimed, "Oh, come on!"

In the distance they could see Doc's flying machine swooping toward EthoCorp. "Seriously?" said Etho. In a flash he was across the room, slamming his fist against a button. A strange contraption behind his lab sprang into action, dropping a creeper surrounded by a field of lighting onto a pad of slime blocks.

"Watch out!" yelled Guude, but the flying machine couldn't stop in time even if they knew what was coming. The supercharged creeper hissed as it hit the side of Doc's ship and exploded.

The ship burst into pieces, and the passengers fell to the ground. Fortunately they were low enough that the fall didn't kill them. On the bright side, it looked like they had found Aureylian and captured Vechs. Where was Paul, though?

"Hit the button," Etho was yelling to the control room. The pigman was shrugging back at him. "Hit the damn button," Etho repeated.

"You said not to push the button," the pigman said over the intercom. "Your burrito."

"Who cooks a burrito for two hours?" Etho said. "Just push it."

The pigman scrambled across the control panel and smacked a hand down on the flashing red button on the far end. Panels in the floor of what was once the backside of EthoCorp slid open with the thunk of many pistons and dozens of Aurey-bots climbed up from the understructure. Etho's multicolored eyes reflected the smile that could not be seen beneath his mask. "Always have a backup plan for your backup plan," he said.

The Aurey-bots shambled toward the infiltration team, parting in the middle to move around Etho, who stood smug and satisfied like the evil genius he was. All of them were identical, clad in white dresses with long flowing red locks. The team tried to get out the other way, but more Aurey-bots were closing in from that side as well.

Etho seemed ready to burst into maniacal laughter when one of the Aurey-bots grabbed his facemask, pulled it down, and shoved a handful of yellow applesauce into his mouth. She pushed his jaw shut and pinched his nose so he would swallow.

Etho dropped to the ground, confused. He looked all around with wide eyes. Seeing the mass of Aurey-bots brandishing their swords menacingly he shouted, "Minions, execute Order 721."

At the mention of that order, the robots all looked around at each other uncertainly. Each one moved in unison with the others.

Etho stood up, dusting himself off. He glanced at the infiltration team and held out a hand. "Calm down, Guude," he said. "I don't know what happened here, but I'm guessing it was bad stuff. I don't know why there are so many Aureylians here, but it looks like they still have their reset code intact."

"You're sure taking this in stride," Guude said. "You don't remember anything?"

Etho shook his head. "Last thing I remember I was hungry and all I could find in my food chests were peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, so I ate one. Then I found myself on the ground with applesauce all over my chin."

"If you don't remember anything, how did you know you could stop all these Aureylians with your reset command?"

"Well," said Etho, "I figured they were based on the original prototype."

"What original prototype?" asked Bdubs.

"Aureylian herself."

"I don't follow," Guude said.

"The Mindcracker you know as Aureylian is the prototype for my advanced golem AI. I built her."

* * *

"Banana shenanigans," the Aureylians said in disbelief.

"Aureylian isn't real?" asked Genny.

"I am too real," protested all the Aureylians at once with their fists on their hips. "Not you, me," they said. "Stop saying what I'm saying." The Aureylians were growing agitated with each other.

"Shut up!" yelled Etho. Turning his attention back to Guude and crew he explained, "The original Aureylian, um, malfunctioned. Not in a bad way. Her AI restructured itself and I was never able to access her neural network after that. She took on a life of her own. The few others I made were easier to control but less versatile. I set her loose on the server because I couldn't just keep her tied up in a dungeon somewhere." The Aureylians all frowned at Vechs, who was bound and held on each arm by Zisteau and SethBling. "I tied all the new Aureylians into the original Aureylian as a safety measure just in case something like this happened. Until I can reboot them, they are all linked to my prototype Aureylian and will mimic her AI behavior."

"That's impossible," Guude said. "I whitelisted her myself."

"That was a remote-control unit," Etho said. "I was controlling it directly, then let my prototype run free after you whitelisted her."

"How do we tell them apart?" BTC asked.

"There is one way. The original Aureylian had a faulty geography chip. A little section of it ended up with bad memory cells. I fixed it in the others, but my original golem had modified itself to the point where trying to open it up would probably destroy it, and I didn't feel right about that. So the faulty chip is still inside her. All I have to do is ask one question." Turning to the Aureylians, Etho said, "What is the largest country that begins with the letter A?"

A chorus of voices said, "Australia."

One lone voice replied, "Africa."


	9. Episode 9

Presenting Mindcrack's Team Nancy Drew in:

The Case of Monumental Malfeasance

Episode 9: Hooked On Blocknics

He walked slowly but deliberately into the small building, taking care to calm his breathing. He liked the indigo walls of the Death Games building, but this was no game. This was dead serious, pardon the pun.

The building consisted of one room with three chests on quartz pedestals. To the right was a chest labeled "Instructions (Incomplete)." He popped the chest open and read the note inside. It gave him the location of his target.

The left side of the entrance had a chest labeled "Armor & Weapons of Justice." Not quite accurate in this case, but it would do. He opened that chest and took out the enchanted weapons and armor he was to use.

All that was left was the chest on the far side of the room, the one marked, "Death Games – Target –" He pulled at the hem of his gray vest, straightened his stylish black belt and flexed his feet inside his black and white wing tip shoes. He took the few steps to reach the chest, paused for a moment to settle his nerves, and opened it.

He stared at the note lying so inconspicuously at the bottom of the chest. _Just pick it up, you dope!_ he thought. He could feel his heart beating. With a quick move he snatched the note and read the name on it. "Son of a bitch!" he swore.

* * *

"None of this does us any good if we don't know who planted those sandwiches in your chests," Guude said. Aureylian heard him speak, but she wasn't paying much attention. Having just found out she was a golem was what some might call a "big deal." She didn't feel like a golem. She felt like a girl.

How could it be possible? She didn't remember being built. It couldn't be true.

Etho had been deep in thought when suddenly he brightened up. "That's it!" he said, and he rushed out the door.

Confused, everyone followed him – even Aureylian. He dashed across the road to the statue of a Tyrannosaurus Rex in front of EthoCorp. He pushed a button and the base of the statue retracted, revealing a niche with a few double chests inside it. "The latest upgrade of my EthoCorp facility included a surveillance system – basically a bunch of proximity detectors that have been enhanced to identify whatever is near. It stores the names of everyone who comes within range, and I can print it out, so to speak, in the form of coded messages that only I can read."

Seeing the vacant stares from the other Mindcrackers, he opened one of the chests and asked, "What do you see inside?"

"A bunch of sandstone blocks," Guude said.

Etho raised a finger into the air. "To the untrained eye that is the case. But wait, there's more." He shut the lid and flicked a lever. Many things made noises behind the scenes, and when the noises stopped Etho opened the lid again. "Now what do you see."

"The same sandstone blocks, but now there are six different blocks in the upper left corner. Um, it looks like Lupus," Guude glanced at the others, "I mean Lapis, White Clay, um, what is that, Magenta wool, then lime wool, then granite and finally sand. Then it's just the sandstone blocks again."

Etho scrutinized the six blocks and scribbled something in a book he was carrying. "And that spells the word, "Pigman."

Guude stared at the blocks in the chest. "I don't get it," he said.

"You're not supposed to get it. That's why it's called a code. But I understand it, and I can interpret the readings." After a pause, he said, "There may be a lot of entries, however. There were a lot of you running around in there."

"Can you narrow it down to a specific time?" Beef asked. "Like before you ate the tainted sandwiches?"

"Yeah, yeah, that would do it," Guude said.

Etho squeezed his chin and stared pensively at nothing in particular. He let out a lengthy hum, and then replied, "I might just be able to do that." He dropped down into the redstone works beneath the T-Rex statue and began fiddling around.

Aurey raised a hand to examine it. It looked normal. She looked normal. It couldn't be true. No way she was a golem. How could she be a golem if she didn't feel like a golem? But what did being a golem feel like?

Etho was back up. "Okay, I modified the clock circuit to pinpoint roughly the time when I ate the sandwiches." He flipped the lever again and again there was a cacophony of machinery noise. When it stopped he opened the chest.

There were non-sandstone blocks on every row now. Etho examined the contents of the chest extensively. Then he pointed to a line that ended with an iron ore block. "There, that must be when I got the sandwiches. That's my name, and below that there are a bunch of entries that say 'robot.' So we need the next line above that. Let me see." Etho squinted into the chest as he ran his pen along the page without looking. "Jungle wood, Ice, Cobblestone, Dark Oak Wood, Chiseled Quartz, and a dispenser," he muttered, and then flinched when he read what he had written. "Holy crap! Guude, you have to see this." Guude came close and read what Etho had written.

"God damn it! I should've known. Cheaty Nebris."

Etho continued translating his readout. Guude said, "Okay, guys, Nebris is our target. We need to take these Aurey-bots and stop him, whatever he's doing. You guys don't remember anything about what Nebris might be doing, do you?" Both Etho and Vechs shook their heads. "Damn, okay, well it says he's on right now, so let's go find his ass."

Everyone started fixing their kits. Etho fiddled with his machine some more and did some more translating. "Oh, boy!" he said. "Guude, you REALLY need to see this."

* * *

Captain's Log Stardate 2143.8 (Hell, what do I know, I'm just making up numbers.) We are in geosynchronous orbit around our objective: the tiny world known as Mindcrackia. Our target has not yet arrived, but we have prepared an away team to ambush it when it appears. The crew is getting restless. We've been at this for a long time now, but all our suffering will not be in vain. We will have our vengeance.

Nebris had always wanted to do that. Perched squarely on the prow of the Enterprise build up in the sky, he observed the UHC Monument carefully. It was empty, but his target was due to arrive at any time. He yawned and then noshed on a couple of watermelon slices to calm his hunger.

Aureylian's statue was back in place, minus the ladders. Etho did good work. She looked like any of the other statues, except the height didn't look right. Guude had fucked something up somewhere along the line. That statue of Kurt, though. It was like he was staring into your soul.

Movement caught the edge of Nebris' eye. He had arrived – the newest model for a UHC Statue. Or so he thought. _That's right, wiggle your little purple legs, you freak, with your funny black hat and your stupid looking lab coat._ The new arrival was looking around, a bit confused by this point. "Guude ain't coming, buddy," Nebris said quietly, fingering the button on his remote. "It's just me and Aurey. So flip yourself right-side-up and say hello to my little red-headed friend, 'cause you're going down, Dinnerbone."

Nebris pushed the button.


	10. Episode 10

Presenting Mindcrack's Team Nancy Drew in:

The Case of Monumental Malfeasance

Episode 10: Finding the Flim-Flam Man

The thing that prompted Dinnerbone to look up was an atrocious grinding sound. It sounded like nothing he had ever heard before. Despite the fact that everything appeared to be upside-down, because he was standing on his head, he was able to locate the source of the ear-torturing noise very quickly. Anybody probably could. It wasn't every day you saw a huge statue come to life, after all.

The statue was that of a woman with long red hair and a white dress. It had to be the new girl. Dinnerbone concentrated for a moment, and then the name sprang into his mind. Aureylian. The statue was not an exact replica of her avatar. The style of the build made her look just the slightest bit demented, like an angry demon-possessed doll.

Her redstone boots were stamping heavily along the central basin of the UHC Monument. She wasn't very fast, but Dinnerbone guessed that she could pack quite a wallop. Her stiff beige arms swung back and forth as she walked. Her gaze fixed on him, and her square eyes squinted. "I see you," she said in a cutesy chipmunk voice. Her kung-fu grip hands came forward to grab him. "You're mine now, Mojang© Man."

Dinnerbone squinted back at her. "Oh, darling, you don't know the half of it."

* * *

Every Mindcracker down in Mindcrack liked Aurey a lot, but the Nebris, who lived in his castle did not. The Nebris hated Mindcrack – the whole damn fourth season. Now, please don't ask why; no one quite knows the reason. It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight. Or it could be that his block head wasn't screwed on just right. But I think that the most likely reason of all may have been the pink jelly that affected them all. But, whatever the reason, be it jelly or shoes, he stood there to watch Dinnerbone pay his dues. Staring down from his starship, with a sour cheaty frown, at the Mojang© developer who'd soon be brought down. For he knew every Mindcracker down in Mindcrack below was busy now trying to stop poor Etho.

"And Dinnerbone's mocking!" he snarled with a sneer. "Aurey's my weapon! She's already here!" Then he growled, with his cheaty fingers nervously drumming, "He CAN'T find a way to keep Aurey from coming!

"Pooh-pooh Dinner-who!" he was cheatily humming. "He's finding out now that Aureylian's coming. He's just perking up. I know just what he'll do! He'll type on his keyboard a minute or two, then all the toons down in Mindcrack will all cry BOO-HOO!

"That's a noise," grinned the Nebris, "that I simply must hear."

So he paused. And the Nebris put a hand to his ear. And he did hear a sound rising from the dawn's glow. It started in low, then it started to grow… But the sound wasn't sad, why, this sound sounded sweary. It couldn't be so! But it WAS sweary. Very! He stared down at Mindcrack, the Nebris popped his eyes. Then he shook – what he saw was a shocking surprise.

Every Mindcracker down in Mindcrack, the tall and the small, was coming in masses to ruin it all! He HADN'T kept Mindcrackers from coming, they came! Somehow or other they came just the same.

And what happened then? Well, in Mindcrack they say, that the Dinnerbone's body grew three sizes that day. And the minute his size didn't feel quite so small, he came at the girl so adorabolical and knocked her ass down like a spiked football.

(with apologies to Dr. Seuss)

* * *

The Aureylian statue hit the ground with a loud crash. From his vantage point on the back of Taylor Swift, the fastest horse on the server, Etho charged forward with the other Mindcrackers trailing behind, weapons and tools raised like a raging barbarian horde. Dinnerbone looked just as huge as the statue and was kicking his gigantic feet in the air wildly. Aurey Prime growled at him. "Oh you did NOT just do that!"

She rose to her feet and swung a fist at Dinnerbone's legs. He keeled over onto his back, kicking like an overturned turtle. "Bring out the Aureys!" yelled Etho.

Pause came running toward the combatants making a Native American battle cry while dozens of Aurey-bots followed. Pulling back to shoot a few arrows at her, Pause let the Aurey-bots surround Aurey Prime. Each of them carried string, and as they ran about her feet and climbed up her body they tied that string around her arms, legs, and anywhere they could hinder or annoy her. Aurey Prime swung her arms wildly trying to rid herself of the little robots. Some fell, but there were so many of them that they pulled her down like a glitter-loving Gulliver.

"Bring out the cannons!" cried Etho, thrusting his sword in the direction of the fallen statue while his horse reared. VintageBeef appeared leading a regiment of Mindcrackers pushing some minecarts with dispensers mounted on them. They came in close to Aurey Prime and halted. Beef raised an arm into the air. "Sauce her!" he shouted while he brought his arm down.

Levers were flipped, and the dispensers ejected a shower of applesauce over the statue. Aurey Prime squirmed and screamed, "I'm melting!" They could hear the hiss of the Relly Jelly dissolving. Then she lay motionless.

They all stood there for a few moments. Dinnerbone grunted and got back up on his head, then shrank down to normal size again. "Thanks for the help, guys," he said.

A sound came from afar. It started out low, then it started to grow. It was the sound of a desperate man yelling, "Noooooo!" Nebris was running toward them swiftly. "You're ruining it all!"

"Canons about-face!" shouted Beef. The minecarts slowly turned toward Nebris. "Fire!"

Nebris stopped in his tracks as loads of goopy yellow applesauce splashed all over him. He fell onto his back, grunting and choking while he flailed his limbs. Then, as the sauce took effect, he calmed down.

Team Nancy Drew hurried over to him and helped him up. Nebris coughed up the excess applesauce, heaving desperately for breath. When he could speak again he asked, "Where am I, and why am I covered in goop?"

"It's a long story," said Guude, "and it's almost over, except for one thing." He looked across the landscape as if expecting an arrival.

"You ninnies!" came the shout.

Guude smiled and said, "Yep, there he is."

At the very end of the UHC Monument, on the place that has that stupid arrow always sticking out of a block but you can't always see it, stood Steve. Well, not Steve. Steve-with-glowy-white-eyes Steve. He was shaking with fury. "Can't you fools do anything right?" he screamed.

"Hells blazes!" said Bdubs. "Is that Herobrine?"

"Isn't he just a myth?" asked BTC.

"Do I look like a freaking myth to you?" screamed Herobrine. He was awfully testy.

"That's impossible," Dinnerbone said, staring at the new arrival. "Herobrine doesn't exist in Minecraft, and we don't have any plans to put him in."

"You're right," said Guude as he and Team Nancy Drew approached Herobrine. "It is impossible." They all grabbed at Herobrine and whisked the covering off his body.

"Who is that?" someone asked.

"Is that Mhykol?" asked someone else.

"No, you idiots," Guude said. "Look at the name over his head."

As one, the crowd said, "Kurururururu..." They let the name trail off into a rough grunt like Tim Allen in Home Improvement.

"That's right, Kuroro," Guude said, pronouncing his name correctly for the first time in his life.

Kuroro scowled. "And I would've gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling Mindcrackers."

"No you wouldn't," came an omnipresent, booming voice laced with a Swedish accent. The sky darkened as a huge figure loomed over the landscape. A round bearded face topped with a black full-brimmed hat swiveled about to gaze upon the Mindcrackers.

Dinnerbone flipped himself right-side up and prostrated himself before the colossal figure. "Oh, great and mighty Notch, forgive me for my failings."

Notch held up a hand. "There is no need for supplication, my faithful servant," he said.

"Um, why do you look like your real self and not like a Minecraft avatar?" Guude asked.

"Good question, Guude," said Notch. "And it has a simple answer. I AM Minecraft." The world shook at that last sentence.

Notch held up an open scroll. "Do you know what this is, Kuroro?" Kuroro shook his head. "It is the End User License Agreement. Do you have any idea how many parts of my EULA you have violated?" He waited, but Kuroro was trembling too hard to respond.

"It doesn't matter, though, because you have broken the most important rule of all: don't fuck with my game."

"They kicked me off the server," Kuroro explained. "I was moving and they decided I wasn't active enough so…"

"That wasn't it and you know it," Guude said. "You were doing…"

"Relax, Guude," said Notch. Turning his attention back to Kuroro, he said, "I don't care about that. It's Guude's server and he can whitelist and de-whitelist whomever he wants to." Notch rolled the EULA back up on its spool. "You took it too far, and for that you are forever banished from my realm." Notch swung the rolled up EULA and batted Kuroro into the sky and out of sight.

"Glad that's over," Guude said. "Now I can have my server back."

"Not so fast," boomed Notch. "Kuroro was only able to do what he did because this world has some serious bugs that can be exploited, and you know how much I hate exploits. It's too far gone for Dinnerbone to fix. You'll have to wipe the server and start fresh."

"Aw, man!" Zisteau cried. "I never get to finish my builds."

"Sorry, guys, that's the way it has to be," said Notch, and in an instant he winked out of sight.

"He's fast for such a big man," said Genny.

"Too bad Paul won't get to see the new server."

So began the work of cleaning up the mess. A few of the Mindcrackers set Paul's hat between his UHC statue's feet as a memorial. MCGamer played a funeral dirge on the bagpipes as the Mindcrackers stood around in mourning. Aureylian was walking off to the side angrily while Vechs hurried after her. "I was being mind controlled," he said.

She glared at him. "How dare you use that excuse on me you…"

A passerby in a Steve skin said, "Shhhhh! There's a funeral going on."

Aurey and Vechs stared at him in confusion as he came up to the back of the crowd, peered over the mourners, and asked, "Who died?"

JSano said, "Pa…" as he turned to look at the newcomer and then noticed the name floating over his head. "Wait, Paul? Is that you?"

"Well, yeah," said Paulsoaresjr. "Don't I look like me?" He looked down. "Damn it! I got a Steve skin again. Fix your game, Dinnerbone."

"Where were you?" asked Guude. "Seth and Zisteau saw you die."

"Last thing I remember was me and Hero Pig hitting the ground, then I woke up beside my bed a few minutes ago." He patted his Steve clothes. "Does anyone know where my stuff is?"

* * *

And so we have come to the end of the matter, the fourth Mindcraft season did end with a clatter, of pickaxe and hoe, shovel and axe, tearing down Jarool, Bling Mart and Chicken Shack. Every toon down in Mindcrack, the tall and the small, took down all the trappings, destroyed every wall. Anderz killed the last zombie, BTC ate the meat, and Nebris, he himself, harvested the last wheat.

(Again, to Dr. Seuss and all people who love him, I deeply apologize.)

The End


End file.
